An alternative mom telling it like it is

Monthly Archives: January 2014



I’m not sure whats happening here. Either my child loves me very much or it’s just a coincidence, but my son will NOT poop at home. It has been literally 3…maybe even 4 weeks since I have changed a poopy diaper. Unfortunately for my babysitter Michelle, she has. Maybe he is comfortable there or maybe it really is just a coincidence, but what I do know is that I DONT HATE IT!



If reading this post it’s because you either want a laugh or you’re more then likely in your third trimester freaking the fuck out because your big day is fast approaching and you feel unprepared. Sound about right?? Have no fear ladies!! Mamma Blue is here to help! (I literally laughed as I called myself that)

Labor is not exactly something you can prepare for. Every woman will experience it differently, though every woman has the same questions. I would bet a date with John Stamos that the main Google search in your phone right now is, “what do contractions feel like?” I know what you’re thinking! “How does she know me?!” Well, its because I literally googled this same topic every day for 8 months in hopes of finding my answer. Guess what? It didn’t feel like anything I had read or felt.

Here are some of what I heard and read that contractions felt like.

–       Tearing of the abdomen (oh ya.. that sounds fun)

–       Like your being stabbed (…. Ok cool… stabbing… ok)

–       Tearing of the abdomen AND stabbing (hmmm nope)

–       Really bad cramps (alright! This I can handle!)

At my 40 week mark I am waiting… waiting for these murderous pains. My stomach wasn’t hurting, I had no cramps, but what I did have was some hip pain for a week before I went into labor. My contractions weren’t in my stomach at all! I had my contractions in my hips (I would say that I was in labor for probably a week and didn’t realize it). “So Kayla, what did they feel like?” LIKE MY HIPS WERE BEING WRENCHED APART SLOWLY!!!!! That’s….that’s what it felt like.

I had dull pain for a week before I went into labor, but when I was in full blown, baby poppin labor… it felt like I had one chain on my right and the other on my left and two igors were pulling on each chain. The point of this is that no one can tell you what it’s going to feel like because it is literally different for each person. The only thing you need to know is that it hurts, but you can get through it. You will do awesome I promise!

I’m going to make this next one short because it’s gross.
I did so much research when I was pregnant and really educated myself on labor and delivery. The one thing I literally had zero clue about was what happens when the water breaks. I literally thought it broke, it came out, and then it stopped. Aaaaaanope. It doesn’t stop. It doesn’t stop at all. It just keeeeeeppppsss on going…all the way until the baby is out. And with every contraction, stuff shoots out of you because your uterus is contracting it all out. Did I mention that it’s not like water? Oh no. blood. Guts. Gaaaaross! Listen to me and listen to me good…this is going to be the best advice I give you all day! Keep an old lady diaper at your house. STOP LAUGHING IM SERIOUS. Keep it at your house just incase your water breaks at home. I wish that I had one for the way to the hospital since I was basically peeing myself. Just trust me on this one… no one will have to know. Rock the diaper ladies….rock it hard.

So I bet you have had a few nightmares about shitting yourself while pushing. Well do I have a fun fact for you! It’s probably going to happen regardless BUUUUTTTTTT if you feel you have to poop before your close to pushing… go ahead girl! Poop away! I was about 6ish cm when I felt that I had to poop. I asked my doula, “dude… I gotta shit… is it cool if I go before we push?” Guess what she said? YES! Oh sweet baby jesus thank you! So I did! Guess who DIDN’T shit while pushing..this girl!

This brings me to another feeling you are going to get while pushing… and that my friends.. is pooping. The best muscles to use to push are your poop muscles. When the babies head is coming down, its going to push on your rectum and make you have the feelings that your droppin some kids off (no pun intended). My point you ask? You may not actually be shitting, but it’s going to feel that way regardless. So don’t worry about it anymore.

Want to know what hurts worse then contractions? When the nurses punch your belly to get the clots out of your uterus (Ok, Im being a little dramatic. They don’t actually punch you. They “massage” the clots out of you.. but for me it felt like they were punching). Ooohhh ya.. I am not lying. This shit hurts like a bitch!!!!!!!! I almost punched my nurse it hurt so bad. And they do it periodically throughout your stay at the hospital. Fucking bitches.

Recovering from labor is difficult. You just pushed a watermelon out of your vag!! Take healing seriously. There are awesome bath teas that you can make, take extra mesh panties home (you’ll know what I mean when you are there – they are amazing), buy tucks pads (seriously these are life savers!!!), and ice yourself. Don’t be the hero and try and do a bunch of stuff after you have given birth. Relax! Sleep! Do NOT feel guilty that you are not doing a bunch of stuff. I spent my 6 weeks off watching movies all day and sleeping and I’m glad I did! When they tell you to sleep when the baby does, take what they say seriously. Force yourself to do this. I am a person that is always on the go and always doing stuff. It took this time to take the break that I needed and it really helped with how fast I recovered as well as kept me somewhat sane.

You may not cry when you see your baby for the first time and its ok! I didn’t cry until about 5 days after I had Mr. Cheeks. I was in shock! I had gone through a natural labor like I had planned, I couldn’t find Brandon, all of a sudden I realized how many people were in my room, I realized I was butt naked, and I am looking at my prodigy or the first time after 9 months of creating and bonding with him. I was at a loss for words or emotion. It wasn’t until a few days later when I was looking at him that I realized what had happened. And I cried for 20 minutes straight by myself with him.

On a side serious note, it is also OK if you don’t fall completely madly in love with your child right away like everyone says you do. This did not happen with me, but it has happened to people I know. This is normal and with time your hormones will catch up with you and you will feel the incredible love. This takes time for some new moms AND dads.

If your planning a natural childbirth and you end up getting a c-section, end up getting an ep, or something doesn’t go as planned on your birth plan, ITS OK! Don’t beat yourself up about it. Our main goal in delivering a baby is just that, delivering a healthy baby. You did it! Give yourself a fucking pat on the back!

Not always will your delivery pictures be pretty…. But they will be breath taking.

I was ginormous when I delivered. My face had 7 chins, I was pumped up with fluids, and I was naked lol! The pictures below that I am sharing with you have never been seen by anyone but Brandon and I, but you should see them. This was an emotional time for us and you can clearly see the emotion we both were feeling. Fear, happiness, love, and more fear. Our lives had just changed in a blink of an eye and you can see that. But how amazing was it? Words could not describe.


To end this post, I will leave you with this. It’s not that bad. Yes, it’s painful. Yes, it’s hard and exhausting, Yes, it’s gross, and hell ya I would do it again! We are blessed with the greatest gift of all and that is creating a human being. We also have the super power to withstand a massive amount of pain in order to bring that human into this world. That’s pretty awesome if you ask me. We are kind of big deals. It doesn’t hurt that being a parent is the coolest and hardest thing in the world.



I have known for years and years that when I was to have a child, that breastfeeding was what I was doing.. period. I wanted the health benefits for my child as well as all of the other incredible perks. But, what I didn’t realize, is BREASTFEEDING IS HARD! When I had Mr. Cheeks, we tried for 4 days to get him to latch on. He wasn’t getting enough milk due to my milk not coming in and on top of that, I guess I had flat nipples? Basically I do not have national geographic 1 inch long nipples. On top of that I have giant boobs. The point is, Mr. Cheeks wasn’t having it. So I began to exclusively pump. I didn’t care if he couldn’t feed from the boob. I was going to make sure he got the nutrition he needed.

While pregnant I had read many articles about pumping. Many articles stated that it was very hard for a mother to feed her baby by solely pumping. This worried me. I knew that I would have to make it work regardless. When my milk first came in, I would pump every 2 hours. That’s when I was like…eeeehhh…. But after doing more research I realized that I could train my boobs! Aawwhhhaaaaa??!! Oh ya. Train em and train em good. Now I pump 4 times a day and its nothing. I pump at 530/6am, 11am, 5pm, 10pm. I am able to pump enough to feed Mr. Cheeks and be able to store about 40oz a week. I could probably produce more milk if I wanted, but fenugreek will be another post.


So lets talk about a comment I saw numerous times in my adventures of pump articles.

 “You don’t bond as good with your baby when they eat from a bottle so soon.”

 I call BULLSHIT. To me, it’s all about how you do it. Ya sure if you don’t hold your baby when you feed them, then ya, I could see this being a valid point. But every time I fed Mr. Cheeks, I held him close, I looked at him, I talked to him, and I admired him. I held him as though he was breastfeeding, and in the first 6 weeks a lot of times I took my shirt off so we could have the skin-to-skin time. We made it work and never once did I feel disconnected. Not only did I not feel disconnected, but also Brandon was able to feed him and we both were able to bond with him. Did I try to breastfeed in the middle of this process? Of course I did! It just wasn’t in the cards for him and me. It’s working for us and it’s ok that I’m not breastfeeding. If you are exclusively pumping and feeling down because you’re not feeding from your boobs, it’s ok! You are still giving them the best nourishment you can give them.

Oh and hey! If you’re baby eats formula… IT’S OK TOO! We are all doing the best we can and there is NO right or wrong way to care and love for your child. End of story.


Pumping tips I have learned in the last 3 months!


  1. Don’t spend your money on expensive pump bras.
    Thanks to good ol YouTube, I was able to find a video and make this gem! Not only is it my own bra… it was freee! Aawwhhaaaaa???!!!! Yup folks. Free. Do it.Image
  2. Train your boobs to the times you want and keep those times. They will follow in your footsteps but seriously try not to go over more then an hour.
  3. Invest in a good double pump. Just trust me on this.
  4. Make sure you have all your shit together before you leave the house. I can’t tell you how many water bottles I have had to steal from coworkers to put the goods in.
  5. Don’t waist your money on expensive pumping bottles. Wallyworld sells these gems for $2.95 for a pack of three. They fit well on the pump and honestly make storing and daycare milk way easier!Image
  6. EMPTY YOUR BOOBS COMPLETELY!! Make sure there is nothing left each time. This will help in preventing clogged ducts.
  7. Get used to having your boobs out all of the time. And make sure your partner is cool with it. I pump while I watch tv, get ready, wherever I need to get it done.
  8. If you work in a relaxed environment full of men, be prepared for jokes. I have gotten moo’s, asking for milk for coffee… just laugh about it. People are uncomfortable and trying to make it easier lol I think its funny.
  9. Make sure you wash your pump. You can smell the gross milk if it gets dirty.

10. Last but not least…. WAKE YOURSELF UP BEFORE YOU START POURING YOUR MILK INTO BAGS!!!!!!!! Just do it. I have lost sooo much milk from not being completely awake before pouring milk into anything.

11. Bonus tip!!! Tell yourself regularly that your doing a great job, because you are!!! Exclusively pumping is hard, and extreme pumping is even harder. Your doing awesome and you should know that!


Most common things that were said to me when told I was planning on having a natural childbirth:

1. “Ya right! You say that now!! JUST. WAIT!”
2. “Thats what they all say before the pain starts.”
3. “Good luck with that!”
4. “Psh, thats what my so and so said, but then once they got there it was a different story.”
5. “Just get the EP. You wont regret it.”

Well ladies!! I am here to tell you this. You CAN do it! I had a 7 hour labor with 2 hours of pushing and not even once did I want an EP. If you put your mind to it you can accomplish anything. In all honesty I am so glad I did it natural. It was so empowering to me. I was more proud of myself in that moment then I had ever been before. When Mr. Cheeks was put onto my chest, I said numerous times out loud, “I did it babe! I did it!” It was magical. 

It pains me when I am talking to my girlfriends with babies about the same age as Mr. Cheeks. Why do you ask? Because my baby is rad. He sleeps through the night, never fusses, and is always happy. Their babies on the other hand aren’t so awesome.

So what is this post about? It’s about why I think I have the worlds best baby.

My whole pregnancy I vowed to myself that I would stay positive, relax when needed, and stay active (not work out.. just not make excuses). I surrounded myself with positive people and cut out any negativity that was ruining my vibe. I walked everyday and was never on the couch for too long of time. I laughed. I laughed a lot and rarely cried (unless I was laughing). My pregnancy was a blast. Creating this child that we had wanted for so long was the coolest thing I had ever gone through. Even all the gross stuff! My point is this. I am a true believer that if you are calm and happy in your pregnancy you will have a calm and happy baby. Period. Is this fact? no not at all… but if you take my advice… you’ll make it through those hard times a lot easier.

I know I know… Girls don’t fart. Welp. I’m here to tell you that pregnant women do… and it can either move mountains or kill villages. I’m not a Dr. so I can’t give you a medical paragraph about why pregnant women fart more then normal, but it happens.

For some reason when I was pregnant with Mr. Cheeks I would have the loudest and worst gas. I have one story that comes to mind…. ‘que 80s sitcom dream waves into memory.’

My first story starts when I was late in my second trimester. Brandon (the old ball and chain) and I were on our way to register for our baby shower. 
Brandon has this thing he does where he will fart in the car and not roll down the window and wait until I smell it. It’s a sick joke. That night he thought it would be funny to start the war. Little did he know.. I could feel some gas coming on and I was starting to get some serious pains. These needed released…. 
We got our handy registration gun and were on our way. I start to let off a few small ones, trying not to be crazy.. I am a lady still. What I wasn’t expecting was for them to smell like death. Straight up a corpse smelled better then these things. So what does any good wife do? I fart close to Brandon and walk away.. waiting for him to smell this thing. Fart wars are on. My plan was backfiring… He wasn’t stepping into my clouds. So I go about my way, giggling with every step.
Here is where my story turns for the worst. 
The gas pain has now gotten worse. I know its time. Its time to let this thing go….and I do. People…… it was bad. Really bad. Brandon comes around the corner on my right………. And then there he was…a stranger………he comes around the corner on my left……FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.. NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! It was all in slow motion. Fear ran through my body. I run over to Brandon in hysterics, I couldn’t stop laughing. He turns his head slowly (he just caught the cloud) and whispers with concern, “babe….was that you??” I’m dying. Im crying I’m laughing so hard…. now.. now I’m peeing (laughing so hard I peed was a common thing when I was pregnant). I had to leave the walkway because if by chance this male stranger caught wind of my cloud…. I would have really lost it. I probably would have gone into labor. 
Laughing so hard I could barely walk, I finally make it to the rocking chair area where I could calm down. Brandon came over and we had a good 10 min after laugh.

The point to all of this is… weird stuff happens when your a. in a long term relationship b. pregnant and c. in a long term relationship while pregnant. Laugh about these moments. Don’t get embarrassed… it happens. 

%d bloggers like this: