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If reading this post it’s because you either want a laugh or you’re more then likely in your third trimester freaking the fuck out because your big day is fast approaching and you feel unprepared. Sound about right?? Have no fear ladies!! Mamma Blue is here to help! (I literally laughed as I called myself that)

Labor is not exactly something you can prepare for. Every woman will experience it differently, though every woman has the same questions. I would bet a date with John Stamos that the main Google search in your phone right now is, “what do contractions feel like?” I know what you’re thinking! “How does she know me?!” Well, its because I literally googled this same topic every day for 8 months in hopes of finding my answer. Guess what? It didn’t feel like anything I had read or felt.

Here are some of what I heard and read that contractions felt like.

–       Tearing of the abdomen (oh ya.. that sounds fun)

–       Like your being stabbed (…. Ok cool… stabbing… ok)

–       Tearing of the abdomen AND stabbing (hmmm nope)

–       Really bad cramps (alright! This I can handle!)

At my 40 week mark I am waiting… waiting for these murderous pains. My stomach wasn’t hurting, I had no cramps, but what I did have was some hip pain for a week before I went into labor. My contractions weren’t in my stomach at all! I had my contractions in my hips (I would say that I was in labor for probably a week and didn’t realize it). “So Kayla, what did they feel like?” LIKE MY HIPS WERE BEING WRENCHED APART SLOWLY!!!!! That’s….that’s what it felt like.

I had dull pain for a week before I went into labor, but when I was in full blown, baby poppin labor… it felt like I had one chain on my right and the other on my left and two igors were pulling on each chain. The point of this is that no one can tell you what it’s going to feel like because it is literally different for each person. The only thing you need to know is that it hurts, but you can get through it. You will do awesome I promise!

I’m going to make this next one short because it’s gross.
I did so much research when I was pregnant and really educated myself on labor and delivery. The one thing I literally had zero clue about was what happens when the water breaks. I literally thought it broke, it came out, and then it stopped. Aaaaaanope. It doesn’t stop. It doesn’t stop at all. It just keeeeeeppppsss on going…all the way until the baby is out. And with every contraction, stuff shoots out of you because your uterus is contracting it all out. Did I mention that it’s not like water? Oh no. blood. Guts. Gaaaaross! Listen to me and listen to me good…this is going to be the best advice I give you all day! Keep an old lady diaper at your house. STOP LAUGHING IM SERIOUS. Keep it at your house just incase your water breaks at home. I wish that I had one for the way to the hospital since I was basically peeing myself. Just trust me on this one… no one will have to know. Rock the diaper ladies….rock it hard.

So I bet you have had a few nightmares about shitting yourself while pushing. Well do I have a fun fact for you! It’s probably going to happen regardless BUUUUTTTTTT if you feel you have to poop before your close to pushing… go ahead girl! Poop away! I was about 6ish cm when I felt that I had to poop. I asked my doula, “dude… I gotta shit… is it cool if I go before we push?” Guess what she said? YES! Oh sweet baby jesus thank you! So I did! Guess who DIDN’T shit while pushing..this girl!

This brings me to another feeling you are going to get while pushing… and that my friends.. is pooping. The best muscles to use to push are your poop muscles. When the babies head is coming down, its going to push on your rectum and make you have the feelings that your droppin some kids off (no pun intended). My point you ask? You may not actually be shitting, but it’s going to feel that way regardless. So don’t worry about it anymore.

Want to know what hurts worse then contractions? When the nurses punch your belly to get the clots out of your uterus (Ok, Im being a little dramatic. They don’t actually punch you. They “massage” the clots out of you.. but for me it felt like they were punching). Ooohhh ya.. I am not lying. This shit hurts like a bitch!!!!!!!! I almost punched my nurse it hurt so bad. And they do it periodically throughout your stay at the hospital. Fucking bitches.

Recovering from labor is difficult. You just pushed a watermelon out of your vag!! Take healing seriously. There are awesome bath teas that you can make, take extra mesh panties home (you’ll know what I mean when you are there – they are amazing), buy tucks pads (seriously these are life savers!!!), and ice yourself. Don’t be the hero and try and do a bunch of stuff after you have given birth. Relax! Sleep! Do NOT feel guilty that you are not doing a bunch of stuff. I spent my 6 weeks off watching movies all day and sleeping and I’m glad I did! When they tell you to sleep when the baby does, take what they say seriously. Force yourself to do this. I am a person that is always on the go and always doing stuff. It took this time to take the break that I needed and it really helped with how fast I recovered as well as kept me somewhat sane.

You may not cry when you see your baby for the first time and its ok! I didn’t cry until about 5 days after I had Mr. Cheeks. I was in shock! I had gone through a natural labor like I had planned, I couldn’t find Brandon, all of a sudden I realized how many people were in my room, I realized I was butt naked, and I am looking at my prodigy or the first time after 9 months of creating and bonding with him. I was at a loss for words or emotion. It wasn’t until a few days later when I was looking at him that I realized what had happened. And I cried for 20 minutes straight by myself with him.

On a side serious note, it is also OK if you don’t fall completely madly in love with your child right away like everyone says you do. This did not happen with me, but it has happened to people I know. This is normal and with time your hormones will catch up with you and you will feel the incredible love. This takes time for some new moms AND dads.

If your planning a natural childbirth and you end up getting a c-section, end up getting an ep, or something doesn’t go as planned on your birth plan, ITS OK! Don’t beat yourself up about it. Our main goal in delivering a baby is just that, delivering a healthy baby. You did it! Give yourself a fucking pat on the back!

Not always will your delivery pictures be pretty…. But they will be breath taking.

I was ginormous when I delivered. My face had 7 chins, I was pumped up with fluids, and I was naked lol! The pictures below that I am sharing with you have never been seen by anyone but Brandon and I, but you should see them. This was an emotional time for us and you can clearly see the emotion we both were feeling. Fear, happiness, love, and more fear. Our lives had just changed in a blink of an eye and you can see that. But how amazing was it? Words could not describe.

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To end this post, I will leave you with this. It’s not that bad. Yes, it’s painful. Yes, it’s hard and exhausting, Yes, it’s gross, and hell ya I would do it again! We are blessed with the greatest gift of all and that is creating a human being. We also have the super power to withstand a massive amount of pain in order to bring that human into this world. That’s pretty awesome if you ask me. We are kind of big deals. It doesn’t hurt that being a parent is the coolest and hardest thing in the world.