An alternative mom telling it like it is

Tag Archives: anxiety

13151763_1712841692304614_8464868990624028258_n

Hey Everyone!!

We are extremely excited to announce that we have KS Buttons for sale – all proceeds will be donated to AXYS – An organization whose mission is to help individuals with one or more extra X or Y chromosomes and their families lead a fuller and more productive life. AXYS has also been an incredible help to our family personally and has ALWAYS been great support of our journey and my blog.

A little bit about how this all came about:

My husband and I are huge disney fans and have recently created a Social Club back in December. One of the main perks of joining such an amazing culture is the collection of pins and buttons and the amazing support everyone has for each other. We have decided to spread positive awareness by selling these buttons! Already we have had an overwhelming amount of orders from the disney community. It has seriously been awesome!

12987098_10209445659442417_5584524855051001913_n

Buttons are:
1 1/2″ Round
$1.50 (includes shipping)
All proceeds donated to AXYS

Please email me with your order at: roebling.k@gmail.com

As of this moment we are unable to ship overseas – BUT are looking for options to be able to do so! If you are overseas and would like to purchase – please email me to be put on “back order”.

 

 

Thank you all for your support!!

Advertisements

  

  
The last few months have been a brutal Cheeks vs Bath battle…. The battle that cheeks had been winning… Until tonight. 

Let’s go back to the day Cheeks met shower…

It was an ordinary afternoon.. And I was giving cheeks his bath. He was having a grand ol time! Playing, splashing, and putting his hands in the stream of the running faucet. To make the long story short, he found the shower release and well…. Showered himself silly… Scaring the ever loving Jesus out of him. Since then…. He would refuse a bath for the next 4 months, Leaving B and I to give him as many cloth baths as possible… Until with agonizing pain, we force him to take a bath. The screams that would come from him tore my heart out of my body and left me in tears.

We tried different things to ease the pain. Switch to the sink, add more duckies, add bubbles (which did NOT help at all!), I got in with him… It was a nightmare… Nothing was working.

Today was a ginormous leap as Brandon and I knew we could not wait any longer to give him a bath. So we took some time to brainstorm a bit and trucked over to babies r us to find something to help. 

We decided on two bath toys, which Cheeks instantly became attached to. A swimming turtle, and a starfish water fountain. He held them through our adventure into Michael’s, and he  knew that he had two toys when he got home.

When it came time for the bath, he patiently waited as we opened them up, explaining to him these were his bath toys, and that he would use them only in the bath. I had my swim suit on and the bath drawn and full of toys when we got up there. He knew what was happening and instantly started to become anxious and hesitant. I got into the bath and started playing with the water fountain starfish with hopes he would find interest. Nope… However he really wanted to play with the turtle… So Brandon hoisted him in with me where he started to cry as expected… But a different cry this time… Not as frightened. Brandon and I started to make our tones upbeat and excited while playing with his new toys.. Making him feel that it was extremely exciting… We slowly started to see him calm down… And after about 10 minutes of solid fake fun… He was settled and playing with his toys.. He sat on my lap, making sure I was in touching distance, and FINALLY allowed me to wash his body and hair in peace.

After he was all clean, we let him play, still sitting in my lap and in the water, until he decided he wanted to come out.. Praising him on how brave he was being. Heck we even refilled the hot water! He spent about 20 min playing :)) 

So after all this time… We had our first peaceful bath in about 4 months. Small steps and patience for this little guy.. But for now, I am a very happy mamma! 

Xox


IMG_0668

As a first time parent, I have moments where I have severe anxiety.. that twitch in your eye..that “Oh god no!”.. I have taken the time to list out my top 10 parent anxieties for your enjoyment ((in no particular order)).

1. Spaghetti Night: I think that any parent with a toddler will know exactly what I am talking about. We are a family of spaghetti lovers and have pasta at least once a week. We usually take the time for “prep time” before giving Cheeks his dinner. this includes a fully naked body, a bib, and our dog to clean up the thrown messes. 😀

2. Realizing you have forgotten the diaper bag: I have done this more times than I can count and literally get the biggest anxiety attack because of it. While driving all I can think is that he is going to have a giant blow out and my car is going to be covered in poop because I FORGOT THE DIAPER BAG. haha of course that’s a bit dramatic, but you moms know the type of shit that goes on in our brains sometimes ha

3. The calm before the “no nap” storm: Cheeks has really only never taken a nap once… and for those couple hours.. I just thought he was going to turn into this baby hulk. I felt like I was walking on eggshells the whole time… just waiting…..

4. Zero sound & zero smell poops: Maybe it’s just me.. but these freak me out… because you really just don’t know what you’re going to be dealing with..

5. Silence: No words needed. We all know silence is bad.

6. The sound of drawers opening: Cheeks it as a stage right now where he is finally tall enough to open all the drawers. We have all lower cabinets locked up, but now its time to venture upwards.. when your son runs into the living room with a giant knife in his hands for the first time… your heart flutters a bit. CURSE those curious assholes! *shaking my fist at them*.

7. “Hot dog! Hot dog! Hot diggity dog!!”: Remember that eye twitch I was talking about?…. ya… this.

8. When you are driving and look in the rearview mirror and your child looks like they cannot breath and are suffocating, but they are actually just pooping: This has freaked B and I out a couple times. Cheeks legitimately looks like he is dying in his carseat when he poops.

9. Parties: I always get really anxious when I am going to a birthday party or a gathering with a bunch of other parents. I honestly don’t care what other people think of my parenting style, but sometimes I cannot help but judge my own parenting by watching others and their styles. I also don’t know how to handle other children being inconsiderate.. and honestly my biggest anxiety is just trying not to lose my shit on other peoples kids.

10. Walking out of the stroller: I think right now this is my biggest anxiety. We have been slowly allowing Cheeks to walk outside of his stroller while we run errands.. but a couple of times he has thrown fits because he just wants to run free. It’s hard, and I know that the more we do it, the better he will get.. but yikes.. fits. *shivers*

So there you have it folks! My top ten parent anxieties!

Comment below YOUR personal parent anxieties!

xoxo Mammablutte

5.


I couldn’t believe my ears as I heard my girlfriend talk about a server at a restaurant who almost poured hot food over her sons head. As she kept on with her story I could feel her pain, her fear, and her maternal instinct. I prayed this would never happen to me…

Well… unfortunately my time had come.
Brandon, Cheeks, and myself were eating at popular burger restaurant over the weekend. We have eaten at this location many times before and have never had a problem receiving awesome servers and this time was no different, our server was the only good thing about our experience that night.
I was already a little on edge because our hostess had seated us A. at the worst table in the area (I am just one of those people who hate when other people are two feet away when we are eating) and B. at a table where the only spot for Cheeks’ high chair was smack dab in the middle of server traffic (I am very familiar with the restaurant life as I worked at a very popular steak house for 3 years back in the good ol days. This is not only annoying to me, but I know how annoying it is to the servers as well). So I am already in bitch mode.
As I mentioned above, my time had come. Our food was ready, and as usual, it was not our server giving us the food. The food runner and an obvious newbie clumsily walked up right behind Cheeks with her tray and hand only inches from his hair. She started serving us our giant hot burger plates..  She sets down my plate while keeping Brandon’s on the tray. She is trying to balance with one hand but all I could see was a shaky wrist and the tray unbalanced and wobbly…. OVER MY ONE YEAR OLD SON’S HEAD.
At this point I am fuming and just looking at her in disbelief.
I gently start to move her tray away from his head and firmly say, “Can you please NOT hover over my sons head with your tray?” We make eye contact, and instead of apologizing for being a fucking idiot (ya I said it), she ignores me and looks at me with her blank eyes like I am this crazy bitch woman. Was I? Fuck ya I was! Did I have every right to be? Yes, yes I did.
Moral of the story: Restaurant servers.. I completely understand how much of a pain in the ass serving can be –  I have been there, I have worked doubles, I have had horrible customers……. but please, for the love of God, do NOT hover your trays over babies.

Image

 

This is going to be a very personal post, and the reason I haven’t posted this yet is because I honestly didn’t know if I wanted to. BUT. My niche on here is to be honest and real, and what’s more real than sharing some of your most vulnerable times? It’s long I know.

The whole reason why I started this blog in the first place was because I believed I had Postpartum Anxiety. I needed an outlet to gather my thoughts, as I thought I was going legitimately crazy.
Postpartum depression/anxiety is easy to figure out. It generally has a lot to do with being a new mom and the care for your child and the feelings you get towards it (There are many articles on this – so if you want exact info just google it). The baby blues is also another easy one. This really just kind of stems from the lack of sleep you get… and with anyone who hasn’t been able to sleep in a full week… o two, you get cranky, irritable, and extremely emotional. Basically ladies.. your hormones are completely FUCKED – hang in there! Baby blues go away after a couple of weeks… but if you think you have postpartum depression or anxiety – please talk to your Dr. A simple medication will help ease those feelings and I promise you it will get better.

Ok – so what if your thoughts and feelings have absolutely nothing to do with your baby or the role of being a new mom? What do you do?

The first couple of weeks after having Mr. Cheeks I had typical baby blues… I was tired as all hell and just really irritable. Nothing too crazy there.. I was prepared for that. What I wasn’t prepared for was the wave of overbearing emotions that I would feel after giving birth. Some good, and some bad.
First, I was NOT ready to feel the overwhelming love. I had so much love for Mr. Cheeks, it literally scared the hell out of me. People will tell you time and time again when you are pregnant how that love is just indescribable and amazing. I was looking forward to feeling that. I was excited. But after I experienced it – it was not amazing…it was scary.  
I transformed into this animalistic protector. I remember one of our first outings we went to a craft fair thing and I was gripping the stroller with all of my might. Brandon took over to let me go taste some goodies and when I turned back they were out of my sight. Those feelings….. were unreal. Extreme fear. I was the most scared in that 2 seconds then I think I have ever been in my life. I think for 2 and a half months straight I lived in fear. Fear of death. Fear off love. Fear of my mind..

After 6 weeks, I finally returned to work. I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I love working and it was easy for me to shut my brain off and was able to surround myself with my friends and laugh again.
Shortly after returning to work, I had a weekend where I wouldn’t stop bleeding and ended up in the ER. I received probably the worst pelvic exam I had ever had in my life by a male Dr. who had absolutely no business shoving any type of contraption into my vag. After those 5 minutes of uncomfortable shock… my world literally turned upside down.

My mind went into complete….meltdown….breakdown…..I cant event describe to you the month after. I started having playbacks in my mind of situations that I couldn’t ever remember…. people…places…..situations… it was like movies were playing in my mind and I couldn’t figure out what was happening. I tried to shut them off. I meditated and prayed.. I did everything I could to just stop these small.. horrific memory clips involving me…. “are they memories? No, they couldn’t be! That never happened to me… I don’t remember that!”.. . I was getting so angry and sinking deeper and deeper into a dark hole… it scared me.  I just wanted to scream.. at everyone. I researched postpartum anxiety and depression… all the information was about the child and caring for him. I didn’t want to kill my child.. I loved him. If anything he calmed my episodes. I called my Dr. and she had given me Zoloft to help with everything. It wasn’t strong enough to stop my mind. At this point….my crazy level was at an extreme I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. Talking with Brandon now – he said he was scared by how I was acting..it got to a point where he feared I was going to kill myself (do not fear – I have never in my life ever thought about killing myself – this was just how off I was).

The moment I knew I needed to seek therapy was the day Brandon and I were running errands. Brandon was telling me about his day… nothing crazy… But my anger was boiling… to an extreme where I was trying to calm myself down. All I wanted to do was scream. Literally just scream at him to stop talking.. or as my mind said “SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!” I was raged.. not annoyed.. raged. I scared myself. I didn’t say one word to Brandon the rest of the night in fear that I was just going to snap. When we finally went to bed, I got online and looked for a therapist… and told Brandon, “I need to get some help. I cant describe to you what’s going on, but I’m not Ok.”

I was able to get into the therapist the following week, and I am so glad I did. I explained to him everything… the clips playing over and over in my head, the anger, the fear… how none of what I am feeling has anything to do with my child or parenting. And more importantly… how I felt like I was going crazy.
Well… it turns out my sudden turn is very common.. and very normal…… for those who have PTSD. ‘PTSD? AAAWhat? Noooooo. How could I have PTSD?’ As it turns out, my horrible cervical exam had triggered memories of a childhood trauma that I had blocked completely out of my memory. The clips were real…. the feelings were normal.. and I…was not going crazy. I had spent over 10 years perfecting the art of emotionally shutting off and shutting down…. My defense mechanism is quite easy – No feelings = no hurt.

Two things happened after Mr. Cheeks was born. 1. Emotionally blocking and shutting down my emotions caused a sudden flood of emotion when I first saw Mr. Cheeks. I describe it as this – There is a wall that I had built.. a strong wall…holding in water of emotions.. every now and again there is a leak that I patch up very quickly before anything can really leak out. I saw my child for the first time…. and the floodgates opened. And so I am left drowning in 20 years of emotions, feelings, and memories that I am now left to deal with all at once.
2. PTSD Trigger that made me go absolutely nuts.

Sometimes its not postpartum depression. Sometimes we can experience something totally different. I wanted to share this for the women who have or are going through the same thing as I am. Postpartum depression in itself is very hard for women to admit having, and when it comes to situations like mine I’m sure it’s even harder to admit. If you are reading this and have a similar story.. please please seek therapy. Don’t try and be the hero and think you can deal with it yourself.  It was the best decision I have ever made. Not only did it help me overcome this very hard obstacle, but it has made me realize a lot of other things I need to work on. And quite frankly.. at this very moment I am the happiest I have ever been.



%d bloggers like this: